Posts Tagged With: Life Lessons

Stuck in a Rut

Voice: What do you do when you feel you’re stuck in a rut? Do you stop and let it be? Do you allow it, and pitch camps? Do you want to go forward?

Me:I think moving forward is the best way.

Voice: Why are you scared to accept where you are now? It is far from what you want to be?

Me: Yes, it’s not what I envision myself to be. Everything has become silent. IT’s deafening. The more I push the wall in front of me, the more I get hurt, scratch my palms, the more I understand that I do not power over the wall. I canno

Voice: Yes, so what do you do if there’s a wall? You go around it!  You don’t push it, you are yourself. You just go around it or climb over it. You don’t have to push it, climb over it! You don’t have to expect a sudden change, you slowly put your right foot in the wall, and place your left hand on a sturdy rock on the wall. It’s gonna be difficult, it may be long, but soon enough you’ll get past through that wall. Again, you feel satisfied, but remember you have to go down, to humble yourself and accept that whatever accomplishment you may feel on top at the moment is not exactly the reason why you started climbing the wall.

Rest, but you have to go down and start a new liberating journey. You don’t have to push the wall, it’s going to be difficult. Stop pointing everything wrong in your life. Instead, choose to choose the best way you think you could move past that hurdle. No need for bantering, no need for overthinking. Just do something, a little something is better than doing a big act you can’t even maintain. You can use a ladder or leverage other people. Anything. As long as you do something. Instead of looking at the wall and saying, “That’s a huge wall”. Does thinking day in and day out change the wall or lift you up? Nope. At some point, you gotta do something about it. Climb over it or go around it! There’s always that small step that you can take. Don’t pitch camps there. Don’t. That’s the reason why you get stuck at present.

Categories: Musings, Uncategorized, Writing | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Kayla’s Life Lessons (2016)

In my daily private journal, I have a section called “lessons learned”.

Here are the notes I’ve “typed” there for a year:

Side note: Exactly as they are, no edits- so excuse my grammar. And by You, I mean God.

  1. Too much learning. too much. I will not let anyone demean me anymore. I won’t apologize for my thoughts, opinions, feelings and ideas as long as I am not hurting anyone. I realized that I’m not fully actualized because I am not being myself. Without fully expressing myself, it’s harder to find that inner happiness. I need to step up for myself and be more confident. All throughout hell week, I realized “I need to love myself more”. I need to be me more. I need to be stronger and fiercer. I need to be stronger.

2.I just need to depend on You. I should stop worrying. I should pray more and thank you more. When I don’t have time, I need to ask You time. When I don’t have money, I should ask for it. James wrote in his letter, we don’t have it, because we don’t ask enough. I also realized today that all is vanity. LIfe is not always beautiful but what matters most is pleasing You. Everyone has his fair share of mirth and distress, so we should not worry. It’s how we look at things. I should fix my gaze on You all the time. It’s gonna be hard but it’s enjoyable. I love reading the bible and listening to sermons. They refresh me.

 Bottomline: I should worry less, pray and thank You more.

  1. Today, I learned the pain of waiting and what to do in waiting. W-rite down the lessons. The reason you are not answering our prayers yet is that you are teaching us a lesson. ANd a lesson is repeated until it is learned. To save our time, we reflect more and write it down. A-ct as if it’s already been done. For example, even if I don’t have my teaching sked yet every 4 am, I should continue to wake up around that time. I should also hone my skills to prepare myself more. Another example I could think of is grooming myself, learning how to cook and nurture and knowing my sexuality more in preparation for the opportune moment of meeting the spouse. I have to be the best for Him, too. I—I forgot the I. But T is to Think positively and to continue believing in You. You are God, who are we to judge.
  1. God was the source of your success in the past, so stop depending on Yourself now to achieve again.
  1. One learning today: never judge. Sometimes we have to stop and really see events objectively.
  1. God reminds me today of the importance of being faithful. Do not worry. Do not worry but focus on Jesus. Never even look within. I looked outside there was distress, I looked within and I became depressed but when I gazed at Jesus I am completely at rest. Jesus, there’s only oy who can foretell our future. You are mighty. Nothing can ever surmount your power. If you say, we succeed, we would. If you command we fail, we would. There’s only one master builder and that is You! Thank you for reminding me that.

Lesson Above REPEATED TWICE!!!

  1. God reminds me to stay close to Him, to pray more, not to trust on tarots and psychics anymore but have faith. God reminds me to trust Him. To be the same baby girl, that favorite child. God wants me to be with Him and so although it hurts, He uses Ma’am Mariz to knock me on the floor in order for me to stand again. God uses ma’am Mariz to bring out the best in me.

SEE? God repeated the lesson THRICE!

  1. God taught me that it’s okay to be yourself, to say no. It is okay to be alone because I’m never alone.
  1. Jesus taught me to never make a fool of yourself. IN order for others to appreciate you, you have to fully accept and appreciate yourself. I notice that a lot. For example, before Marie doesn’t tease me that I’m ugly it’s only when I kept on referring to myself as “ugly’ that she begins to think and subconsciously consider them ugly. It’s the same with Ma’am Mariz and Ma’am Gia. They were all okay with me but when I started pointing out and making fun of my mistakes, they also started bullying me as well.
  1. Whatever you focus on with either intent or discontent is what you are manifesting. The same goes for what you are appreciating and what you are complaining about.The universe will continue to deliver more of the same energy and types of people to you. Watch your thoughts and emotions. In other words, God affirms my decision to be happy! I am happy!
  1. Jesus taught me to continue being kind to people. To appreciate every moment, every experience, to never complain because it makes a difference. To never complain and to decide to be happy affect us to a degree we can’t even imagine.
  1. Jesus taught me to continue being kind to people. To appreciate every moment, every experience, to never complain because it makes a difference. To never complain and to decide to be happy affect us to a degree we can’t even imagine. Everything happens for a reason. I learned Solar Flare technique, to just do the first task of the whole task in order to avoid procrastination and the Lego Block technique, to break down complex project into small actionable steps . Thank you, Jesus!
  1. Today, I realized how accomplished I am when Venus commented that I have achieved so much at this age of 25. Not that much for me but I began to see that people see me differently. Sometimes I just need to appreciate myself more. I also learned to stop mindreading and defensive listening, thinking that people actually talk about me. I learned to speak up, that I am still lucky because there are people like Faye who does not have anyone. Maybe my role is to help them? To be with them? Sometimes, it’s not about us. It’s about them.

 THis appeared twice as well. God is reteaching you lessons over and over again!

  1. Today, of course, I realized that I need to be honest and not pretend in order to escape future ridicule. I also learned the value of being assertive, of talking no matter how broken the accent may sound. It does not matter to me actually. I also discovered that my intuition may not be real. It isn’t real. What I am thinking and seeing are not real unless they are said. I start assuming Mair hates me. But it may not be true because who am I ? Right. Last Wednesday, grit again was stressed in my life.
  1. God repeats the lesson until it is learned.
  1. Never judge. WHat you think is not always real. (Repeated)

So far, worry less, pray more. Be yourself. Trust in God alone. Speak up. Be kind.

  1. April 09, 2016 Although you feel nothing is moving, just do something every day. You will be amazed when you look back at how far you’ve traveled, and at how much those little somethings have become. (e.g. my website!!!)
  1. Struggles will face me, I should not hide. I should face it assertively. If people don’t like me, so what? I should just focus on giving glory to God.
  1. Instead of looking for the right guy, I should work my way of becoming the person the guy I’m looking for is looking for.
  1. I should prioritize.
  1. Make everyday creative. I should learn something new every day.
  1. In order to be more, I should to do more than what is expected.
  1. If It is not time, do not force. If it is time, do not resist. – April 21, 2016 (Thursday)
  1. Stay out of negative people, they will just suck your energy. Look for people who can bless you, improve you, as you both learn from each other. – April 20-21, 2016 (Thursday)
  1. W-A-I-T with Faith (Write down the lessons, A-ccept that I already received it, I-mitate others with faith and T-rust) April 24, 2016 (Sunday) *Jonathan is not real. And God was so on point. God talked to me. *TWICE*
  1. If you feel you can’t make it, don’t force it. Say, you feel you will be late and you have to rush to get on time, don’t go. You’re right.
  1. Today, I realized that I should not sleep after I’m done with my first task in the morning. I also realized that plotting stories in my head paralyzes me in the morning. I should limit myself from doing that activity with effort. (May 04, 2016)

*Repeated Lesson

  1. Recovery only succeeds when I acknowledge that I am not in control.
  1. Confessing my sins is one way to recovery.
  1. Mercy is the path to peace.
  1. I should know my tics, my inner fears to form an intimate relationship with other people.
  1. Beginning to question why I react or respond can uncover my buried emotions.
  1. Before every big blessing and breakthrough, there is a testing.
  1. God will use your pain and turn it into your gain. Wherever your greatest wound is, there also lies your greatest gift. Find it.
  1. It’s okay to do nothing…to just let things be, to lose control.
  1. Never let the world choose for you. Choose before it starts dictating you.
  1. Trust and walk in faith. Just be held.
  2. NEVER Believe in fortune telling. REPEATED OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!
  3. Do not be arrogant. Do not be aggressive. Learn to wait!
  4. There are cheaters. But never let cheaters destroy your relationship with God and His justice.
  5. Do not please anyone. Please only God. You will find true peace.
  6. You are loved, no matter what.

Welcome, 2017!



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Reflections in a Dilapidated Boarding House

While many wouldn’t want to be where I am in, I admit the spot on the second floor of a dilapidated house with windows reflecting the narrow Burgos Street in Brgy. Obrero attracts my co-settlers. In front of me, across the street, is an old Spanish-styled house with weeds of all sorts sprouting all around. It has five ancient windows filled with dusts and mites, bringing someone to the 1800s, except that it has one air conditioning unit clad with cobwebs; as if my own seating isn’t a time machine in itself. I cannot exactly see the happenings on the street, I can only hear and assume. Dogs are barking, radio turned on in the landlady’s room, broadcasting updates of the new president’s State of the Nation Address. At several intervals during the day, Obrero jeepneys rush, crowding the air with the piercing noises of howling drivers and loud engines; yet so often the street stays silent with only the birds serenading and cocks expressing their might even at midday.

Enjoy the silence now, I murmur to myself as I continue to type and type. I wonder what life is going to be two to three weeks from now. Wait. Am I moving ahead again? What’s the point of checking up the future, imagining what it holds? For the past three days, I devoured all pages detailing the predictions for an Aries/Taurus Rising. What I am, I am not yet sure. Then I start asking again, does it even matter? Two months ago, I sat in a different modern blue-tinted room with paintings spread on the walls, and a brownish carpet smoothing the soles of my feet, closed in from the world with no one to gaze at but the huge finger painting of the Alcatraz, with only the fluorescent lighting the room, day in day out. The same emotions linger in me in two different scenes. Blessed with amenities and a monthly stipend back in the modern room, I still ruminated and twisted and turned the future cinematography of my life: frequently gory, seldom glory. “In the Philippines, things will get better”, I assured myself.

Now situated in an old room with sun lighting the whole expansive space for most of the day and the bare wood easing the heat steaming out of my feet, I continue to ponder what the future holds. When’s start to fill the list… when I get the CHED position, I would be better; when I build my business, I would feel great and unstoppable; when I put a PhD at the end of my name, only then I would experience profound pride beyond my placid life; when… when… But what if the when doesn’t happen? Then the would’s would never be? What if the when’s do happen yet another list of when’s opens up with more demands, more great expectations? Would the would’s be more than what’s enough? I cannot stop the thoughts bursting in all the crevices of my searching mind. Guilt creeps back and the realization swiftly slaps my rather unconscious soul.

I stand up, start pointing my index finger to an unseen spectator, as if berating someone who has soared high only to return to the landing ground. Then I realize, I might be pushing events to happen in my life too much instead of allowing situations to pull themselves up. Stop. Stop. I grab the seat, comforting myself and start typing: Then it dawns on me. The place doesn’t matter, even the situation. It’s how I perceive every situation, every pursuit. Even the desire to be in the future place is strong, I understand I am where I need to be, the neurotic overthinking included, and I am what I need to be. No more scolding for overthinking. No more stopping from ruminating. Just letting things be as much as just letting this writing flows as it flows, for the joy of lines combination and not for anything else, not restrained and too scripted or over-the-top verbose and flashy; just letting it and life be.

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Photo Journal #339: April 13, 2015 (Monday)/Stressed

  Yeah, a chocolate bar this big simply meant that I was stressed again. After wallowing in low self-esteem and baseless beliefs I imposed upon my self like I’m not going to succeed, or I  am a failure, I stopped and processed these negative thoughts and did all my best to answer rationally why I have them. Guess what- they were really baseless. The feelings I associated with them came from those emotions in elementary and high school that were all over and done with. It’s a good practice to stop and ask if what we’re saying to ourselves is valid. And I’m proud to remind myself of that today. Another significant finding was that it’s the feeling of being underestimated or that thawing low self-esteem which caused my overeating today: pizza, lasagna and coke. At least I’ve discovered that. One good counter habit I decided to try every time that feeling creeps in is to pray. I notice that whenever I listened to K-Love and talked to God, it also subsided. Thanks for all these, Jesus. 

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