Posts Tagged With: 365 photo journal

Photo Diary #252: March 01, 2019 Friday, Postgrad Meeting

Attended the meeting at Baldessin with Ksenia, Jennifer, Ghina and Tina.

This photo was on my way back to Toad Hall after getting Milk tea and Hot fingers from Kambri.

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Photo Diary #226: February 03, 2019 Sunday, Toad Hall

Starting today, I will post daily a letter to God. This is part of my dev plan for this year. As I have shared in my New Year’s post, this year’s focus is God and Good health. I always tie success to something tangible and measurable, so on top of my daily devotion, tithing and all the regular Christian way of maturing in God, I decided to start a love letter to God which I will call ‘300 Love Letters to God’.

I have also recently started filling my pinboard with a daily verse I pick for the day. Lately I have been rereading daily the letter to Romans (which contains most debated topics in our culture today), but in today’s message note from Saddleback, I picked Jonah 2:7.

Jesus just knows the words when I need them the most. Being busy with Appen work and my workouts that leave me too exhausted for the day, I have not started with my thesis yet! I am worried of not maintaining my HD, considering that the unis I will apply to are concerned about these grades. Fear blocked me and I allowed myself to believe the lies of a frenemy that I will never be enough, that I cannot measure up, that I can only try, that I am too small, that I am not great enough. But guess what, I believe that God is enough and that He can, so I choose to turn my thoughts to God. I will do my best to keep believing I am enough and that with God, I can absolutely do it again. (Insert Do it Again song here 😂😂😂)

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Photo Diary #159: November 28, 2018 Wednesday, Show me the way God

The Wednesday session for CoEDL Summer School is optional, so I decided not to attend to rest… Although I felt I slept well, I still am weak. I guess, the weakness doesn’t really stem from being fatigued physically cos I had to walk from Toad Hall to Molonglo theater every day and still have to work 8 hours at night. Today, I feel the need to write it all out here…

Image result for wilt flower

Since I only stayed at Toad Hall the whole day, attended the weekly meeting with Nic and Sinney for Apollo Mandarin, I didn’t have a picture. To represent what I feel, I got this wilt flower. To be honest, I do not know myself anymore. I feel like working nonstop without knowing the reason for all the efforts. I feel guilty for traveling to Europe as a birthday gift when I could use the money to pay my parents’ debt intsead which I intend to do. I haven’t started out with life yet, but I’m already tired… I’m tired of feeling stupid, inadequate, unworthy and useless. I’m tired of giving myself up, and not really feeling being appreciated- as if all those sacrifices are nothing cos they would repay me anyway.  I see myself as someone ready to die tomorrow, and the world will never even notice. I sometimes wonder what the efforts are for… I give, and give, I work hard and try to excel and I always end up being mediocre. I work hard for my grades for example… and only to realise once it comes down to really picking the candidate, professor will choose the other one over me… I think that’s the reason why I don’t care anymore. Sometimes I think all the accomplishments were just my imagination – the professor telling me how impressive my work is, how fellow student leaders praise me for my teaching and leadership (in the past)… I am constantly running after something I couldn’t even grasp. And I’m just FUCKING exhausted. Can I go to Europe without feeling guilty? Can I respond no without feeling bitchy? Can I speak out my mind without being bossy? Can I be me? Can I be me even for just today. Part of the problem is putting all my eggs in one basket – in grades in being excellent at one thing, when I put other areas of my life on hold- relationships, self, and even enjoyment. I feel so small! everything I thought I was is wrong! All of it – my being summa cum laude, my HD grades, all of it! I don’t even know where I stand anymore. My mind is so mslal, I can’t think beyond what I write for example in my to-do list… What is there for? What do I even fight for? Why do I even do this? Why does it even matter? Is my life worth it at all? Am I worthy to be loved too? Am I worthy to listen to? How I wish I am fluent! How I wish I don’t second guess myself everytime. How I wish I think more critically. How I wish I am more confident than the others… I am so tired! And I feel I need to love myself more! I have always put myself aside. My writing sucks, my speaking sucks, my teaching sucks, my body sucks, my ego sucks… Is there anything right about me God? Is there? Cos I don’t know anymore… No one has even asked me how I am… But I hold on to what you promised God… every single tear, every single sweat every single sacrifice never pass you by.  I guess, it’s time to live in integrity in everything no matter how small, in humility, in aiming after you… Then everything will fall into place. God teach me, and show me the way…

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Photo Diary #122: October 22, 2018 Monday, Toad Hall

I had to finish my draft today to gather comments on it before the submission on November 6. I initially intended on writing 1000 words only, but I ended up finishing the whole essay. Hahahahaha! Which is good! Saves me time next time!

Screen Shot 2018-10-28 at 1.08.59 pm

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Photo Diary #117: October 17, 2018 Wednesday, ANU

God, I thank you. I had to push myself for the past three days just to.get this done. I was really demotivated, I couldn’t think properly…but I made it. I think I was still traumatised by my Sunday submission.

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Photo Diary #102: September 30, 2018 Sunday, ANU/And Prayer

Screen Shot 2018-10-01 at 1.30.02 pm

Early in the morning, I submitted an abstract to ConSOLE. I guess, even if I failed… I’m proud of myself for trying this month. I applied to ANU summer research scholarship, ConSOLE, and ISFIT 2019.

Today, God simply acknowledged that and whispered I’m enough. What demotivated me is not being on top this semester. If that’s always my goal, then I would never feel enough.

I must always stick to my skills instead of being somebody I am not. But also God encourages me to not give up on my dreams. So far, I have three universities in mind. I won’t reveal them yet. I just feel safe at this stage of my life. Pastor Rick Warren also emphasized not being afraid.

What am I really afraid of? Not providing for my parents? Being too poor, being underestimated… I don’t feel secure, to be honest. But with God by my side, I’m sure I am enough. I’m no longer afraid. That Syntactic Theory problem set? I won’t figure it out! But that’s okay! That Structure of English paper? I won’t impress the professor, but that’s fine! That Quanti paper? Will it matter? Probably not, but it’s absolutely fine. That programming I’m putting off? Nah, will it matter in the end? What if I don’t learn how to program? What’s the worst that can happen? I would still be eating, praying, laughing, dancing, traveling. So it’s not a life or death situation. That summer scholarship? I may not be enough in their eyes, but hey, I am enough in God’s eyes. My extreme receptive skills but nil productive skills in terms of vocabulary, oral speaking and writing? That’s fine! I accept it.  This I hold on to: if it’s for me, it’s for me. I just have to be held because as long as I’m trying, I’m fighting and not giving up, I’ll get to where God intends me to be.

God, I want to take this moment to lift everything up to you. Keep my eyes on You and Your purpose and on the prize! Direct me to where you want me to be! Lead me God to where you want me to be! I am sure I’ll get to where you want me to be someday. I am tired of all the running, of all the trying to be someone else I’m not. I’m willing to try, but I’m not gonna force myself. Lead me God to where you want me to be… in the end, as long as You are with me, I’m in the right place.

I love you God.

Yours forever,

Your Kimkim

 

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Development, God's Messages, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Journal #19: December 27, 2015 (Sunday)/Newton Centre, MA

We’re finally in Boston! Yaaaay!!!! And we stayed at a very upscale quiet neighborhood.  

     

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla in the US, Travel, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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