Overwhelmed by my anger today…
But realised it’s too trivial to be pissed about..
Or is it?
Overwhelmed by my anger today…
But realised it’s too trivial to be pissed about..
Or is it?
This has been the longest day in the week. Starting it with a 10 am Syntactic theory tute (with the two-hour Structure of English lecture and 3-hour Writing for the Research Process lecture in between) and capping it off with +he exhausting configuration at work… (which means missing the commencement and Market day at Toad)
And oh, I spoke with Dr. carmel today (my quali course prof last semedter) while waiting for my fish and chips at Pop-up. I didn’t know what to say when she told me I am an excellent researcher. Woah!!! I think that’s the reason I had a papercut without me noticing it.
Quantitative lecture in the morning, 🚶 Canberra centre after to buy ingredients and baking pans +o cooking my first (failed) chocolate chip cookies and Vietnamese pork with Melda at 🕔. +he day ended at 🕛 midnight for me after a long call from my mom.
Today I just stayed all day at Toad Hall to rest, upload and organise pics and keep up with ny blog posts. Today, Ms Nayra, our rep also called me regarding my transfer to the advanced. I know I can do it but I cannot control other external factors like supervisor availability, etc. I really have to think about this. 😦
Yesterday, I got a 90 for a research proposal I did for two days, I even handed it in late. Now, imagine submitting that to a linguist, who published articles in journal? It feels good to be honest, and it absolutely feels good to get it out of my chest. But I just don’t have the courage to say that and to let others know. It’s not only that, I realised I’m dumbing down myself. For example, my friend told me she got 86 in another course, but she got 95, 95, 98 in the previous assessments. One of her classmates told me that the professor was rather lenient in that class. And even if I didn’t know if someone has higher than my score, I told her, “but most of them are higher than 90!”. The heck? Why did I lie? Why did I lie that many of my classmates have higher scores when I don’t know? and I never told her that the prof was a strict grader in that course? She’s witholding information to lift herself up while I witheld information to dumb myself down. I also lied to a classmate in that course, telling her I didn’t get an HD. Why? I have been thinking about that all day yesterday.
God urged me to type this down today. I realised I haven’t written anything in here for the past months. Also, please excuse my grammar. I want it to be bare, to be as unedited to show how I write to God the way I do 🙂
Last March 31, 2018 at Yass, NSW river, 2 PM, I took a bold stand of professing my faith in public and udergoing water baptism. While discerning about it for the past week (for the past three years actually since US!) amidst the tests and the chaos of temporal things, God spoke to my heart and asked me when I am willing to proceed in this walk with Him. I also realised that God will not be able to use me if I don’t stand up for what I believe in and if I continue to be a lukewarm Christian in general, be it Catholic or protestant. For that reason, I decided it’s time to end the confusing and the running and the hiding and the evading. When Pastor Patrick put me into the river for a few seconds, I felt safe and at peace and when the pulled me up, I felt total surrender. I can’t help but smiling. That’s it! hahahaha! Nothing too dramatic. Before going to the river for my turn, I talked to God I told him, “I am scared of the river. Is it safe?” “I will walk with you everywhere you go” that’s what he whispered. I remembered responding, “Okay let’s go.” What’s seemingly odd is through Pastor Patrick’s prayer, God is affirming my vision of seeing the one soon… God is assuring me that he’s creating a love story with me. It can actually be interpreted as “It’s our love story” or “It’s a love story ordained by God, so he creates it with me, with us.” Either way, I felt at peace. I guess I am in the phase of my life where I see the temporariness of everything. The greatest failure is being successful at unimportant things.
Here we are. I am bare in front of you. But unlike any other, you accepted for who I am. People ran when they finally see who I am. People evade me when they start seeing greatness or weakness, but you stuck with me through it all. Such a cliche, but it’s true. Ever since I was young, you made me feel how special I am in your eyes. From my prayers of, “God give me cake on my birthday!” to “God take me to Japan please” to “God bring me to Europe”… and still growing, you are like a lover who spoiled me and want to give the whole world to me. You blessed me with all those even if I don’t deserve them. It was a love-hate relationship. Whenever you said no, I started grumbling. Not a great Christian example. But still you continued to discipline me and mold my character. I never knew I would change until I started seeing gradually a change in my heart. From pride to surrender, from low self-esteem to courage, from ambitions to progress. You brought me to places not to build my resume, but to grow in this journey with you. You brought me to the US to show me that the world is grand and I’m not the main actress. You brought me to the UK to show me that politics isn’t for me, that my heart of competition will take me nowhere. You took me to ANU to show me that even the famous university can still create doubts in my mind and dissatisfaction. You took me to those places to bring me back to that little child who only depended on You and whose only ambition is to serve you.
Last year and 2016 was tough for me and for my family. We didn’t know where to get our food next, so my mom was drowning in debts. I was jobless after my US stint, and someone took credit for what I worked hard for me. I remembered every night crying in the sofa in my sister’s room while they are still asleep. I was talking to you constantly. I remember sunking so low because I get to experience selling in our store. But of course I unerstood that You brought me to that place to help me learn the value of service and humility. You showed me the metaphor of doors ( https://journeyofthetheoxenophile.wordpress.com/2016/09/11/lessons-from-god/ ). It’s amazing God how you were true to your promise…
Then Appen came. It was a new experience, but I still couldn’t help asking why Appen and not CHED. I was hired at CHED but resigned afterwards after three days because after discerning you directed me towards Appen. I prayed so hard in those days, and when I finally picked Appen, again I was at peace. Little did I know it’s my passage to Australia, to ANU…
Thank you for showing me “Just be Held” in 2016 in those times of doubts and meaninglessness. And so I did, I let myself be held by you… and you brought me here. Thanks GOd! “Your world is not falling apart, it’s falling into place”. I held on to that for so long… and now it made sense. Thank you God!
And then you showed me to the people I have broken relations with: Dr. Pilapil for being my PHD professor, and the dean of school of Education. You also introduced me to the best professors of Qual and Quan research at AdDU. Little did I know I will encounter those terms after six months again here.
While still at Appen, we still sunk deep into debts…This time I struggled with my finances and spending. I always wanted to buy converse for myself, nike and all those stuffs. My pants were giving out… but althoguh my salary is so huge! I couldn’t buy them. I was also sinking lower and lower… to the point of pawning my rings at Palawan pawnshop just to survive weekly. I asked you to take me out of it, of the rat race so I can start again… and God, where I am now I look back and realised you granted that prayer.
I lived in a stinky boarding house, I was crying every evening and have it in my prayer: to live in a comfortable place. ANd you did. My room is perfect now. I asked how I couldn’t find for great activities everywhere I go, and now I’m surrounded by activities, activties I didn’t even experience while I was doing my undergrad! I remembered crying because my shoes hurt and I ddin’t do anything, I didn’t replace them… my pants uncomfortable… and when you brought me here, I look back at the things I know own and I realised that after a year, you did grant those little wishes. You are an awesome GOd! You are true to your promises! You are the Great I Am! You are amazing God! You love us immensely but you are far more interested in molding our character. In those times of debt and poverty, you showed me the importance of temperance and self-control! Now I own stocks and I have savings! God you heard me! You heard me God!!!! Thank you so much for where I am now! For pulling me out and for giving me a new beginning! I was so ungrateful when I came here and You did show everything to me, and now I promise myself that everyday every day, I will worship you, give thanks and pour out myself in service for others, and ENJOY every moment and every opportunity. I am so grateful for everything now God! Thank you! Thank you!!! For my new assessment! For the coming weeks! For the amazing people I met! For faith, for a change in my mentality! Thank you God for the comfort and peace most of all! God you heard us! You heard us! I can’t help crying in writing this letter of thanks. You heard my prayers back in 2016 and 2017. God, thank you for being true to Your promise. This experience is so much more… it’s not just a scholarship, it’s a revelation of Your faithfulness, forgiveness, generosity and love. When I’m finally here I knew You had this planned ever since!
Thank you God… and these words have meaning for me now.
Proverbs 27: 2 Let another praise you, and not your own mouth;
a stranger, and not your own lips.
I’m too guilty of this
Voice: What do you do when you feel you’re stuck in a rut? Do you stop and let it be? Do you allow it, and pitch camps? Do you want to go forward?
Me:I think moving forward is the best way.
Voice: Why are you scared to accept where you are now? It is far from what you want to be?
Me: Yes, it’s not what I envision myself to be. Everything has become silent. IT’s deafening. The more I push the wall in front of me, the more I get hurt, scratch my palms, the more I understand that I do not power over the wall. I canno
Voice: Yes, so what do you do if there’s a wall? You go around it! You don’t push it, you are yourself. You just go around it or climb over it. You don’t have to push it, climb over it! You don’t have to expect a sudden change, you slowly put your right foot in the wall, and place your left hand on a sturdy rock on the wall. It’s gonna be difficult, it may be long, but soon enough you’ll get past through that wall. Again, you feel satisfied, but remember you have to go down, to humble yourself and accept that whatever accomplishment you may feel on top at the moment is not exactly the reason why you started climbing the wall.
Rest, but you have to go down and start a new liberating journey. You don’t have to push the wall, it’s going to be difficult. Stop pointing everything wrong in your life. Instead, choose to choose the best way you think you could move past that hurdle. No need for bantering, no need for overthinking. Just do something, a little something is better than doing a big act you can’t even maintain. You can use a ladder or leverage other people. Anything. As long as you do something. Instead of looking at the wall and saying, “That’s a huge wall”. Does thinking day in and day out change the wall or lift you up? Nope. At some point, you gotta do something about it. Climb over it or go around it! There’s always that small step that you can take. Don’t pitch camps there. Don’t. That’s the reason why you get stuck at present.