Musings

Photo Diary #240: February 17, 2019 Sunday, Toad Hall

Building on my last post, I am glad I decided to watch ‘Doctor Stranger’. I don’+ know I just hate medical dramas and I kept on saying before in 2014 +hat it is not my type. After binging on this drama since evening of Saturday until ths evening, I couldn’t stop thinking of Dr. Park Hoon and the idea of loving someone like him. If I were Dr. Oh I would also feel the same way when Dr. Hun was terminated. I want someone like him so bad… Someone who’s brilliant and exceptional, but also kind-hearted, real and funny. I want someone to be my exact opposite. 😟😟😟

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Photo Diary #219: January 27, 2019 Sunday, Happy Birthday Rick

Few takeaways from the Q and A with Rick…

Today’s service for me centred on living a life of integrity. God loves a person with integrity – whose ethics and morals are consistent. I believe I am one big hypocrite. I believe in church but I attend service online only for example. I believe in Kindness but I can turn down an opportunity to help due to inconvenience. I believe in community but I sometimes gossip about people (with my parents). I profess I am humble disguised through charming smiles and one-word responses but I brag silently and loudly at times to hide my insecurities, and measure people up according to my standards. I am guilty as charged. And I thank God for still loving me and for trusting in the direction of my heart. Lead me God, teach me to live a life of integrity.

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Letter to Jesus: Happy Birthday!

Dear Kuya Jesus,

Happy birthday! Ito naman tayo, ahahahahah! I can’t believe I’m writing this letter at Toad Hall in Canberra, Australia. This shows how you’ve blessed me for the past years. I want to thank you for everything, for choosing to be born into this world to save us, for dying on the cross and for being the best kuya ever! Ahahahahaha. I want to honor You with my life, my choices, my lips, my heart, my finances. Everything kuya. IT’s been a rough 14 years for us, but what still holds true is Your unfailing love and compassion. Rick is right, I must not base Your love on what I feel, on what I think… because the truth that You love us despite our shortcomings still remains. You are the same yesterday, today and forever, and so I give my past, present and future to You!

You say I am enough when my heart and the people say I’m not

You say it’s okay while they say I’m unworthy to be forgiven

You say I’m loved when people say I am not

 

I’m sorry if I keep this small notebook and read my prayers every day. I treat you like a vending machine for the past year. I’m sorry God. But you know it’s just to keep track and to keep me at ease knowing that You are here, aware of my petty concerns.

 

God, You are that hand that tucks me in at night when I cannot sleep

God, You are that warm breeze that keeps me at peace amidst my throbbing heart and clammy hands

God, You are the whisper that assures me everything is okay

God, You are those soft eyes that choose not to judge me when I’m being too arrogant

God, You are that coach who guides me what to do

God, You are the peaceful assurance that I CAN despite what others say

God, You are that laughter when I complain, trying to keep it light

God, You are that silent thug in me, pushing me forward

God, You are that voice that do not judge me whenever I miss a service, although you keep on reproving me in this area of my life

God, You never nagged.

God, You never choke me with SHOULDs. Instead you keep on reminding me to rest

God, You are too busy pointing out the goods instead of the bads in me.

God, You did not give up on me when I was about to give up on myself.

 

Thank you so much Kuya for protecting us and granting our prayers. I love you Kuya. I have to work on staying close and getting closer to You each day for the next year. I thank you Kuya Jesus for:

 

Miraculously healing my sister and removing her cysts,

Changing my coordinator’s heart. I can’t believe she’s praising me now. What happened?

Granting my mama’s visa. You know it’s my dream. Thank you also for telling me not to ask my mama to undergo the health exams anymore. We trusted and You delivered.

Providing me with a job. I remember I was looking for jobs online because Appen was not too busy around June-July. As usual, I was anxious again. I had a lot of what ifs. What if I don’t earn enough, what if…And then now, I work 4o hours a week!

Helping me hit my target savings! I remember I only asked for this amount and after a year, I can’t believe I am actually earning what I put in the notebook! I thought it’s just wishful thinking, now it’s my reality. True enough, in an instant you can make a poor man rich (Sirach 11:20-21). I held on to this for such a long time. I still remember pawning my mama’s gift because I was at a rat race. I promised myself that that won’t happen again. I cried out to you, and You answered me! God, you are a great God!

Giving me all HDs for the past two semesters. You also granted my prayer of getting all HDs in all of my papers and take-homes and quizzes. I worked hard on them, but even though at times I faltered, You didn’t. You still gave me those HDs.

Stopping me from taking the assistantship. True enough, I can’t even move now. I  feel so tired every after my Appen working hours. How much more if I got into that Summer Scholarship. I also know that You have a purpose. And I trust You.

Reminding me that having a church family is important!

Thank you for teaching me that all blessings come from You. Working hard is important, but it’s not everything. We still have to anchor ourselves to you and source our strength and courage from You.

Thank you for teaching me the importance of timing. If it’s time, it will surely happen.

Thank you for bringing people in my life also who correct me so I can see my blind spots, and work on them.

Thank you for teaching me how to bake through Melda, for teaching me how to be confident, and loving.

Thank you most of all for clarifying my goals. I want to be a professor that’s it. I want to live a normal simple life but still able to provide for my parents and siblings, and family. I want to be the best mother and wife.

While I’m in my season of waiting, I found this to be helpful after hearing grandpas shared what they loved about their wives:

I must take care of my husband. Make him breakfast, prepare his lunchbox and welcome him with love during dinner;

Listen to him and support him;

Nag not. He has his way of being, and that’s just a fact of life;

Find a way to show him every day how I love, respect, and support him ;

Date every week

Thank you Jesus for everything especially for the past 2018, a Year of Excellence, which has been true for me.  I love you Kuya Jesus. Happy birthday!

 

Yours always,

Kim-kim

Categories: God's Messages, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings, Successes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #144: November 13, 2018 Tuesday, Canberra Centre

Lunch with Melda and Karla today

My work at Appen still.gives me a lot of anxiety… I always feel stupid. LuckilynI have Haishan and the new ALPM, Chiern to help out Mandarin.

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Photo Diary #143: November 12, 2018 Monday, Popup

After being almost done, I think I deserve a big breakfast…

Breakfast today with Melda

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Photo Diary #141: November 10, 2018 Saturday, A Common Room

Trying really hard to squeeze ideas out for my last paper

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Photo Diary #138: November 07, 2018 Wednesday, Appen Meeting

I always get anxious when it comes to my job… I feel so stupid and for the past days instead of focusing on my Syntactic Theory paper, I had been stressed over my Appen tasks. I feel like I could not breathe… Everything is overwhelming. Still discerning whether I should travel around Scandinavia. Hmmm

I also do not want to chase glory after glory… Look at what anxiet can do. I resort to coke whenever it kicks in. Why am I so afraid of committing mistakes? Why does it feel like death?

But thankfully, God intervened and the meeting with Nic and Sinney went smoothly. I also could not believe that Nic was impressed by my progress. Well, that is the Holy Spirit working. I will do my best in this project. That I promise God.

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Photo Diary #128: October 28, 2018 Sunday, Toad Hall/Shout to the Lord, Musings

I shout to the Lord and praise God for His mighty love!

God, thank you for not giving up on me! I was supposed to give my dream up and give up on myself.. but You told me straight up, “no, it’s going to happen!” And you brought me here! Surely, your promises are incomparable! No one can tell me not to believe because You already did say it’ll happen! I hold on to You! God! Thank you! The more I think about all the failures, I see your favours clearly! Jesus, thank you so much! I love you! I still remember that vividly. I still remember the time when I asked you, “am I really talking to You?” and you responded to an 11-year-old me, “ask whatever you want now”… and I said, “I want lechon manok?” And you laughed… and then lo,  mama came home with lechon manok. Hahahahaha. And kuya Jesus, I would often come to You whenever people bullied me or whenever I hurt people…And You would often hug me and told me, we’re always together, and that’s your promise. People might fail me, but You will never ever leave Your kim-kim. You’re my coach, my trainer, my wisdom, my guide! It has been a long journey for us. You haven’t given up God! And that’s the biggest gift you have given me. Our relationship is the best thing. Remember when I was just 15. I remember, no one could find our promise ring in the church, your half. And I still vividly remember, I told you after leaving it there that you should let me know if you got your ring through your rain. And when I stepped out of the church, it rained hard. And when I asked all the altar boys and convent boys, they couldn’t find the wrapped gift with my letter. Those were the fondest moments I had God! And I still remember when people bullied me, you told me whenever I see butterflies then I would know that You are near… I miss those simple miracles. Especially when our promise ring fell off into the sink, and then I prayed and I cried the whole night,  but the next morning I woke up with our engagement ring back in my hand. And when those stopped, you told me, “You don’t need those miracles, You are a big girl now”.  All my life… all my successes from failures built our relationship together. I will forever love you Kuya Jesus! People called me stupid, fat, and everything but You believed in me Kuya Jesus.  No sinful act can separate me from Your love. I also still remember when I didn’t win the NDEA oration at Kidapawan. I sighed but smiled and said, it’s sad cos I ended my oration career this way. And then a month after, I didn’t know You will bring me to UP Diliman to bag the National Oration title. You’ve always overturned all my negative expectations. I mean look at how I write.. but You bless all my papers. No one would understand… but I know cos I know how stupid I am sometimes and how ugly my writing is. WITH YOU NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! So who am I to boast after all these experiences? You have the right to give and the right to take away. We’re always at your mercy, and like a wife who’s willing to submit, I submit my heart, my future to You because You are faithful, You are kind, generous and merciful and loving! I can handle everything as long as I know You are beside me. It’s been 27 years God. But my love for You gets stronger and stronger each day. I still remember the time while I was 15, when the rumours about You and Magdalene spread, I imagined holding your hand while telling you, even if it’s true Kuya Jesus, I am still here for you. It does not matter. And I remember you’re hugging me tight and telling me it’s not. I always heard your voice, and nothing compares to those moments. I am crying cos I know I am almost there, I am getting closer to home… and only you and I know where that is. I can’t even say it… that’s how I love that dream so much, so much it hurts. But I know You will be with me. I’m not afraid. Thank you for today!

I’m really sorry for being too focus on acquiring glory after glory! I was not satisfied because I always look for validation outside You, outside myself. True, the only legacy that will last is the number of souls we are able to save! Thank you for reminding me God! I worship You God! Power and Glory are Yours! The seas roar at the sound of your name! But even though You are God, thank you for loving me deeply, for watching me sleep at night, for wiping my tears, for holding my hands and telling me you’re holding me foreover. Jesus Christ, I surrender the next years, the remaining years to you. I know it’ll happen because you already declared it. I love you God! Thank you for the promises

 

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Photo Diary #102: September 30, 2018 Sunday, ANU/And Prayer

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Early in the morning, I submitted an abstract to ConSOLE. I guess, even if I failed… I’m proud of myself for trying this month. I applied to ANU summer research scholarship, ConSOLE, and ISFIT 2019.

Today, God simply acknowledged that and whispered I’m enough. What demotivated me is not being on top this semester. If that’s always my goal, then I would never feel enough.

I must always stick to my skills instead of being somebody I am not. But also God encourages me to not give up on my dreams. So far, I have three universities in mind. I won’t reveal them yet. I just feel safe at this stage of my life. Pastor Rick Warren also emphasized not being afraid.

What am I really afraid of? Not providing for my parents? Being too poor, being underestimated… I don’t feel secure, to be honest. But with God by my side, I’m sure I am enough. I’m no longer afraid. That Syntactic Theory problem set? I won’t figure it out! But that’s okay! That Structure of English paper? I won’t impress the professor, but that’s fine! That Quanti paper? Will it matter? Probably not, but it’s absolutely fine. That programming I’m putting off? Nah, will it matter in the end? What if I don’t learn how to program? What’s the worst that can happen? I would still be eating, praying, laughing, dancing, traveling. So it’s not a life or death situation. That summer scholarship? I may not be enough in their eyes, but hey, I am enough in God’s eyes. My extreme receptive skills but nil productive skills in terms of vocabulary, oral speaking and writing? That’s fine! I accept it.  This I hold on to: if it’s for me, it’s for me. I just have to be held because as long as I’m trying, I’m fighting and not giving up, I’ll get to where God intends me to be.

God, I want to take this moment to lift everything up to you. Keep my eyes on You and Your purpose and on the prize! Direct me to where you want me to be! Lead me God to where you want me to be! I am sure I’ll get to where you want me to be someday. I am tired of all the running, of all the trying to be someone else I’m not. I’m willing to try, but I’m not gonna force myself. Lead me God to where you want me to be… in the end, as long as You are with me, I’m in the right place.

I love you God.

Yours forever,

Your Kimkim

 

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Development, God's Messages, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #97: September 24, 2018 Monday, ANU

Here we go again…

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