I was stressing over a lot of things God. I am too exhausted. This is not just a thesis. This is my ticket to Cambridge, to Harvard or to Oxford. I am so sad because I felt all my HD effort for a year is wasted on this thesis. 24 units? Woah. Although I get a credit, I would still get a commendation, but what will these traditonal universities say seeing all HD and a credit on a thesis (esp Oxbridge!)? How can I stand a chance? But I am finally letting it go and offering it all up to you. I will do my best till the end. But not my will, let your will be done. You have not failed me God, and I am certain you will never cut the wings you gave me.
Thanks for Lois today…
“When I’d lost all hope, I turn my thoughts to God once more.” – Jonah 2:7
Dear Kuya Jesus,
As promised, I want to be intentional about everything including my relationship with you. You deserve all our attention, time and effort. That’s why I’m beginning this blog series. Thank you for helping me today accept that Mondays are inevitable. It’s coming! ahahahaha. I don’t know but I’m always dreadful come Sunday evening. I want to relax, but every time, there’s this heightened awareness that relaxation is drawing to a close and soon reality will dawn again. To be honest, I am really anxious right now, my mind wants to whisk itself in all directions while my feet are itching to go somewhere, and my hands clammy as I can contain it. Typing on this keyboard seems like a crutch, for a little bit, for a little while. Thank you for the verse and the opening songs today, for reassuring me that You will walk with me. I’m lonely and desolate, and most of all almost paralyzed by the coming months. What if I can’t, what if I fail again, what if my financial sources will dry up again. It’s an ever-ending cycle of work, saving up, then giving it all away. I’m grateful for bringing me to this regimen that I follow every day, this routine that keeps me grounded and helps me realise there are still things I can control. I guess, I have to ask myself, why am I afraid Kuya? Don’t I trust enough? Why? I guess, I’m afraid of seeing my parents borrow money again, of not providing enough. I’m afraid I won’t be able to live up to people’s expectations. You said that in everything we must pray. I pray for lolo Caloy who’s in the hospital right now – heal not only his physical but also spiritual, mental and emotional exhaustion. I’m sure you will help us take care of the bills. As I always say, what I earn is yours. Whatever you tell me to do with my money, I will follow. Lord, let me not be too consumed by worries of how I can provide because I know it’s not my job, it is yours. We only need to work smarter, and live for You, and all else will be provided for. As I move closer to the coming end of my Australia journey, I offer each day, each hour. May it be as intentional and purposeful as you desire it to be. God, use me, my mind, my resources to be a blessing to people. God, please take care of my heart. Most of all, it won’t hurt if I lose 1.5 kg again tomorrow! Sophie will be very amused! Hehehe.
I love you, Kuya Jesus.