Happy Anniversary kuya
Happy Anniversary kuya
“But now that you have been freed from sin, and have become slaves of Christ, the benefit that you have is sanctification; its end is eternal life.” Romans 6: 22
Dear Kuya Jesus,
At the time of writing this, around 3 groups of SRs have reminded us to put all our stuffs on our bed in case of flood. I also went offline ahead because there’s not much to do for Russian. Michelle has got it covered, and what am I even doing with Russian? Is it time to give it up, and just attend to Mandarin? I am so exhausted, and I just do not know which one to start. I want to leave, but I can’t. I want to focus on my own, but I can’t. There’s always something I need to pay for, something I need to attend to, something I need to fix about myself. Can I just be me for a second God? I’m too exhausted. I realise it will never be enough for them. It will never be… so I have to focus on myself for awhile. Why am I even being guilty? I am so tired God. I am so tired. Can I just be truly happy for a second? How can I even marry and start when I’m still single, but I feel like I’m the father of four children. I worry, yes. Until now I can’t get it off my chest… God, I want to rest. Someday, it will all be worth it… I hope.
I love you.
Starting today, I will post daily a letter to God. This is part of my dev plan for this year. As I have shared in my New Year’s post, this year’s focus is God and Good health. I always tie success to something tangible and measurable, so on top of my daily devotion, tithing and all the regular Christian way of maturing in God, I decided to start a love letter to God which I will call ‘300 Love Letters to God’.
I have also recently started filling my pinboard with a daily verse I pick for the day. Lately I have been rereading daily the letter to Romans (which contains most debated topics in our culture today), but in today’s message note from Saddleback, I picked Jonah 2:7.
Jesus just knows the words when I need them the most. Being busy with Appen work and my workouts that leave me too exhausted for the day, I have not started with my thesis yet! I am worried of not maintaining my HD, considering that the unis I will apply to are concerned about these grades. Fear blocked me and I allowed myself to believe the lies of a frenemy that I will never be enough, that I cannot measure up, that I can only try, that I am too small, that I am not great enough. But guess what, I believe that God is enough and that He can, so I choose to turn my thoughts to God. I will do my best to keep believing I am enough and that with God, I can absolutely do it again. (Insert Do it Again song here 😂😂😂)
Few takeaways from the Q and A with Rick…
Today’s service for me centred on living a life of integrity. God loves a person with integrity – whose ethics and morals are consistent. I believe I am one big hypocrite. I believe in church but I attend service online only for example. I believe in Kindness but I can turn down an opportunity to help due to inconvenience. I believe in community but I sometimes gossip about people (with my parents). I profess I am humble disguised through charming smiles and one-word responses but I brag silently and loudly at times to hide my insecurities, and measure people up according to my standards. I am guilty as charged. And I thank God for still loving me and for trusting in the direction of my heart. Lead me God, teach me to live a life of integrity.
I so love Salmon Nagiri and the calming chatter at the food court in Canberra centre… This is what contentment feels like.
I have also been watching the video below to affirm my decision. You gotta protect yourself, girl. Yes, they may not be aware of it, but you have to protect your well-being. 3:25 – 4:00 says a lot about this! And my decision to remove this toxicity has been so calming.
Something to ponder on and work hard at every day…
Dear Kuya Jesus,
Happy birthday! Ito naman tayo, ahahahahah! I can’t believe I’m writing this letter at Toad Hall in Canberra, Australia. This shows how you’ve blessed me for the past years. I want to thank you for everything, for choosing to be born into this world to save us, for dying on the cross and for being the best kuya ever! Ahahahahaha. I want to honor You with my life, my choices, my lips, my heart, my finances. Everything kuya. IT’s been a rough 14 years for us, but what still holds true is Your unfailing love and compassion. Rick is right, I must not base Your love on what I feel, on what I think… because the truth that You love us despite our shortcomings still remains. You are the same yesterday, today and forever, and so I give my past, present and future to You!
You say I am enough when my heart and the people say I’m not
You say it’s okay while they say I’m unworthy to be forgiven
You say I’m loved when people say I am not
I’m sorry if I keep this small notebook and read my prayers every day. I treat you like a vending machine for the past year. I’m sorry God. But you know it’s just to keep track and to keep me at ease knowing that You are here, aware of my petty concerns.
God, You are that hand that tucks me in at night when I cannot sleep
God, You are that warm breeze that keeps me at peace amidst my throbbing heart and clammy hands
God, You are the whisper that assures me everything is okay
God, You are those soft eyes that choose not to judge me when I’m being too arrogant
God, You are that coach who guides me what to do
God, You are the peaceful assurance that I CAN despite what others say
God, You are that laughter when I complain, trying to keep it light
God, You are that silent thug in me, pushing me forward
God, You are that voice that do not judge me whenever I miss a service, although you keep on reproving me in this area of my life
God, You never nagged.
God, You never choke me with SHOULDs. Instead you keep on reminding me to rest
God, You are too busy pointing out the goods instead of the bads in me.
God, You did not give up on me when I was about to give up on myself.
Thank you so much Kuya for protecting us and granting our prayers. I love you Kuya. I have to work on staying close and getting closer to You each day for the next year. I thank you Kuya Jesus for:
Miraculously healing my sister and removing her cysts,
Changing my coordinator’s heart. I can’t believe she’s praising me now. What happened?
Granting my mama’s visa. You know it’s my dream. Thank you also for telling me not to ask my mama to undergo the health exams anymore. We trusted and You delivered.
Providing me with a job. I remember I was looking for jobs online because Appen was not too busy around June-July. As usual, I was anxious again. I had a lot of what ifs. What if I don’t earn enough, what if…And then now, I work 4o hours a week!
Helping me hit my target savings! I remember I only asked for this amount and after a year, I can’t believe I am actually earning what I put in the notebook! I thought it’s just wishful thinking, now it’s my reality. True enough, in an instant you can make a poor man rich (Sirach 11:20-21). I held on to this for such a long time. I still remember pawning my mama’s gift because I was at a rat race. I promised myself that that won’t happen again. I cried out to you, and You answered me! God, you are a great God!
Giving me all HDs for the past two semesters. You also granted my prayer of getting all HDs in all of my papers and take-homes and quizzes. I worked hard on them, but even though at times I faltered, You didn’t. You still gave me those HDs.
Stopping me from taking the assistantship. True enough, I can’t even move now. I feel so tired every after my Appen working hours. How much more if I got into that Summer Scholarship. I also know that You have a purpose. And I trust You.
Reminding me that having a church family is important!
Thank you for teaching me that all blessings come from You. Working hard is important, but it’s not everything. We still have to anchor ourselves to you and source our strength and courage from You.
Thank you for teaching me the importance of timing. If it’s time, it will surely happen.
Thank you for bringing people in my life also who correct me so I can see my blind spots, and work on them.
Thank you for teaching me how to bake through Melda, for teaching me how to be confident, and loving.
Thank you most of all for clarifying my goals. I want to be a professor that’s it. I want to live a normal simple life but still able to provide for my parents and siblings, and family. I want to be the best mother and wife.
While I’m in my season of waiting, I found this to be helpful after hearing grandpas shared what they loved about their wives:
I must take care of my husband. Make him breakfast, prepare his lunchbox and welcome him with love during dinner;
Listen to him and support him;
Nag not. He has his way of being, and that’s just a fact of life;
Find a way to show him every day how I love, respect, and support him ;
Date every week
Thank you Jesus for everything especially for the past 2018, a Year of Excellence, which has been true for me. I love you Kuya Jesus. Happy birthday!
It’s funny that the photo chosen by Marilyn is a plant in a pot… God’s response to my wilt flower.
I also started preparing my mother’s itinerary for her visa application…
So help us God
Since I had another presentation after yesterday, I decided to wear my lucky blouse again. Hahahaha. I was tearing up while walking to my 2PM presentation because I hadn’t practiced, and I wasn’t even sure of my interpretations. I thought it’s going to be a disaster… But it did happen again! NO question, except for a clarification. And the brightest student even approached me and told me, he liked my presentation. He said, it’s pretty cool. I think they’re impressed with the content. And my other classmates were saying it was excellent. Again, I couldn’t believe why I’m getting this reaction. Sometimes, I felt I was just imagining things… but I saw their eyes lit up and their mouths open (same reaction in Japan during my speeech). I am really happy! I am extremely grateful to God! Because again, it’s not the same with my Filipino tute for a reason… but here, because a grade is involved, God reversed it. Thank you God! You heard me! I remembered walking to the venue, shaking because I didnt’ have breakfast and lunch and the printer at Toad Hall acted up so I spent 15 minutes there. Fortunately, a nice guy offered to print my handouts for me. Everything fell into place on that day! I was praying, “God, I offer this to you!” while heading to the venue and started tearing up. I was even expecting a 70, but I got a 90 for that presentation! I think what’s more important is seeing my professor happy, and the brightest student impressed.
I couldn’t have done this without You!