Date: August 3, 2020 Monday
Title: Mid-year evaluation
Feeling: Guilty, disappointed but relaxed
Time: 7:06 AM
I realized I haven’t really examined my thoughts and feelings lately. A lot happened not only in my life but in the world. It’s more of a year of relaxation and learning for me. It’s great to look back in the past few months, so I can prepare myself ahead for the remaining five months.
JANUARY – A Great Start
As a look back, January was a month of interview and preparation for Cam for me. It’s the time I spent more on reviewing Corpus Linguistics by taking and finishing a course online from Lancaster University. My spiritual readings all centered on God’s guidance and money talks. Tithing is very crucial.
I also realized that I tried to hide my negative emotions by not doing anything and procrastinating. One new thing I learned in January is that aside from drowning the negative emotions unhealthily, I seem to have this changing emotions/moods. After four days, I start to lose it. But after a day of doing nothing, I start to find the energy to fight again. And also, once I missed one habit, it tends to spiral down to other habits. I should never give up. It’s these little things each day that count. Lesson: Watch out for missed habits in a day. Never give in next time.
I love what I wrote back in my Notion workbook January 15:
What’s holding me back? I am honestly afraid I may not like or what God wants me to do may be inconvenient for me. Even so, I said I’m all in today! Whatever lies ahead, I know God will take care of me. *It’s so sublime to see all my readings being interconnected since Monday. God asked me to confess my sins, live a life full of integrity, asked me to go all in, and now the chapter for today’s bible session aligns with the devotional in the morning: God wants me to rebuild our relationship, to not be so fixated with my personal business. I also like that in the chapter I do agree that it seems I ‘ve been in a rut, I have wages that I put on bags with holes. Seems like I am slogging my way thorugh life without any obvious return, and that’s because I put God’s kingdom (our relationship, my spiritual growth) aside. This is a really an eye opener for me! God exhorts me to rebuild our relationship, and He promised that He will be with me in the process. Isn’t it amazing?
It’s so sublime to see all my readings being interconnected since Monday. God asked me to confess my sins, live a life full of integrity, asked me to go all in, and now the chapter for today’s bible session aligns with the devotional in the morning: God wants me to rebuild our relationship, to not be so fixated with my personal business. I also like that in the chapter I do agree that it seems I ‘ve been in a rut, I have wages that I put on bags with holes. Seems like I am slogging my way through life without any obvious return, and that’s because I put God’s kingdom (our relationship, my spiritual growth) aside. This is a really an eye opener for me! God exhorts me to rebuild our relationship, and He promised that He will be with me in the process. Isn’t it amazing?
On January 31, I wrote this:
Reflections: 1) How can you keep an eternal perspective each day so that you are making wise financial decisions, both big and small? I must really not miss out on my tithes no matter how hard it is. It’s a declaration that God is in control of money. And money is not for this world, it can be used to invest into the future. I’m thinking of tithing to the Missionaries of Charity. 2) What do you want your life to be about? What kind of legacy do you want to leave? I want my life to be inspiring and empowering. I want people to see me and they feel comfortable, inspired, and empowered to make a difference too. I want that kind of legacy.
FEBRUARY – A Challenging Month
My notes were almost empty in February. This month I simply focused on earning. One thing I did successfully so far was being present in all Sunday masses from January through February. I had really bad abdominal pain that I had to go to the hospital. Since the beginning of January through February, we’ve been going in and out of the hospital. This was also the start of falling in love with BTS Jimin. I just can’t help myself. He’s too kind, talented, exceptional and smart. He even looks more handsome each day because of his personality. I have been a fan of the group since 2018, but I wasn’t that too invested. This month I started following them on all social media platforms. This month I also received my Cambridge offer. I would say I wasn’t at all successful this month – no REAP preparation, no exercise, no healthy eating. I was just existing.
I also got major revisions from System. I knew my writing was flawed. I didn’t get a Gates Cambridge invitation, and got turned down by Trinity, Peterhouse. It all happened in the fourth week. This was another devastating month. Overall, I was depressed, unhopeful.
MARCH – A Recharging Month
On week 2 of March, I organized a Recharge week. I couldn’t really concentrate on work after several failures in February. During the recharge week, I focused on myself: I began by journaling to process my emotions, at 3 AM I relived my past habit of listening to music and being inspired to the song, watched Marie Forleo, had a movie marathon day, colored mandela on my ipad, listened to calming music and educational podcasts. I was also able to pay off my sister with the money I owe. I continued to pray and form healthy habits like reading every day teaching tips to hone my teaching craft, praying everday, exercising, and maintaining self-care routines in the morning and afternoon. By the end of this month, my grandfather lolo Caloy got so sick so we transferred him to our house. I feel bad for ignoring him, I was an ingrate, a person living in fantasy binging on Jimin fancams. Every time my anxiety kicks in, I would sit on my computer and watch BTS and Jimin. It’s a way for me to escape reality, the reality that my grandfather was no longer himself. I also started writing Jimin a letter on Weverse every day! It’s my way of expressing my love. For this month I wrote this on my Notion:
I thank God for the protection that I now see. I did not succeed in Tokyo, in Manila, in Davao positions because of Covid-19. God gave me my online teaching to secure me even before this happened. I thank him in advance for his protection for my brother and for all of us. Failure in securing funding may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I thank him for helping me clarify my goal, test my faith, allow me to heal.
And then on the same March notion page, I wrote myself a letter:
Dear Kim, It’s okay to fail. You were shocked by the events. You held on to Jimin, to the magic shop to heal. God understands. However, we can’t pitch camps around the pain for so long. We have to move. You have a lot of failures, but this indicates your progress and persistence. Keep moving, and someday it will be bright again. Thank you for trying, thank you for smiling and relaxing. Thank you for trying to be happy. 🙂 God is with you always. Remember, God is with you in the good and the bad, All the pains have purpose, so change your worry to worship. It’s difficult to trust now. Without the funding, with covid-19, but you need to reminisce the times when God showed up unexpectedly and brought you all the blessings you’ve never imagined. He is doing the same. He is the same God today, yesterday and forever. You can’t bring yourself to tears because you lost all those tears, but remember everything has a purpose. God is with you. Pray persistently and the heavens will open up.
As a result, I stopped applying to jobs, I also stopped working so hard and expecting too much. Despite the recharge, I was floating… I felt I was merely existing. Life became a huge current drowning me, I couldn’t even swim away from it. I just had to flow with it. It was calming, yet at the same time depleting. And for this month instead of looking up to God I look up to another idol in my life, Jimin. I’m sure God wasn’t happy. But then again a part of me feels it was God’s way of keeping me sane.
APRIL – A Korean Month
I was so addicted to Jimin that I started learning Korean for the first time . It was a struggle at first, but I told myself to never give up and allot two hours a day until June before I could pick up a new skill again being an ADD I am. This strategy proved to be effective for me. With that in mind, I pressed on despite the struggles and now I am glad I didn’t give up, I could read Korean fluently. Yaaaay!!! I also added a checklist for my emotions and my professionalism on Notion to track them. I noticed I have been cancelling classes lately because of my emotions. This is really unprofessional. I am also glad our family maintained our evening prayer together consistently. It became a part of our daily routine. I was satisfied with this month. However, I was still addicted with Jimin!
Under the Focus/God’s message section of my Notion page for this month, I wrote:
Week1: Do not depend on anything, i.e. Jimin except God – God repeated this
message twice! on April 4, then on April 5.
Week 2: Do not be afraid of Death
Week 3: The Bible! I’m starting to focus on the bible again
Escapism stems from an inner lack or void
Week 4: Wisdom 3: On suffering and early death. Remember, it’s not the number
of years that count but the quality of years with God. Therefore, live a
just and loving life.
Love your family, respect your parents, pray with your family.
How to be a mature Christian? Read, memorize, study the bible, live it and then teach it! You can only teach when you practice it!
Don’t run away from responsibilities and unpleasant emotions, STOPP!
I learned about STOPP, Stop, Take a deep breath, Observe, Pull back, Practice (what is s the best thing to do) in healthily managing emotions. The moment we start on binging, on eating too much, on procrastinating there is a hidden emotion or painful experience we’re running away from. In a way, Jimin is just like another form of addiction. I noticed this. As soon as I start binging on Jimin, I was able to control myself and forget my other addiction. But when it subsided, I started doing my other addiction today.
Hmmm. That’s really interesting.
Week 5: Wisdom, waiting on God. Wait on the Lord. God is never in a hurry. God has a
purpose in your life.
MAY – A Burial Month
It was pretty great at the start because I continued to be consistent with my Korean learning, morning and evening prayer and was successful in submitting my journal article. However, starting from the second week, it started going downhill again. My mother had to undergo MRI test as requested by her doctor, and then my grandfather passed away on May 23 peacefully. The remaining half of the month was devoted to his wake and burial. I was ashamed of myself again, I was there… but never entirely. I continued to drown myself in my addiction because I was a wreck. Escapism continues to be part of me, cancelling lessons last minute. Smiling from the outside but totally emotionless already on the inside. I was dead too. I couldn’t feel anything. All my emotions were gone. I couldn’t feel anything except extreme euphoria when I binged watch on fancams. It’s unhealthy. I never even cried. I was not being myself. I started giving up. If you look at my eyes, you’d say I lost all those burning passion.
This stuck the most in May, seek Wisdom:
Wisdom 5: God is reminding me that no wealth, no fame, not even my
relationship last. They can’t bring glory —- the glory that I really longed for.
They don’t matter.
Seek Wisdom over wealth, power, health and even beauty. Having wisdom is obtaining all the rest. Ask God, the owner of Wisdom to guide you. Through Wisdom, he practically learned everything: the seasons, the earth, people. Principle: Seek God and ask for Wisdom over all things Command: Ask God to give you wisdom to choose the right course. God showed me this through Kelly: 5 That night the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream, and God said, “What do you want? Ask, and I will give it to you!” 9 Solomon replied….Give me an understanding heart so that I can govern your people well and know the difference between right and wrong. For who by himself is able to govern this great people of yours? (1Kings 3:5,9)
JUNE – A Celebration Month
Then came June, it became better. It started with mom’s 60th birthday we prepared. All the people who were with us in our mourning celebrated with us on June 11. Then after that we had two celebrations related to my grandfather’s passing. The people around me reminded me of hope, of life. It is never the end. I continue to learn Korean and spoke Korean with two Korean online tutors, editing my journal article while opening twitter and becoming friends with all Jimin fans. I met Hony, Chawi, Tia, Yndi, Sue, Sarah – we became Jimin fairies. I realized Jimin fans are really adults with career. There are doctors, head of government offices, lawyers, teachers, etc. It made me feel I wasn’t really isolated from the world, and I belong again. Jimin brought us all together. I became busy again. Finally I also paid up everything in my home credit! Wohoo! I am starting to feel hopeful again. When I listen to Korean youtube videos I am able to understand what they mean. My ears have started opening up to Korean, so I continued learning the Korean structures through my Talk To Me in Korean Structures book and vocabulary. As usual, I continued to write Jimin a letter every night every day. It’s been the third month!
From my Notion, focus/messages from God:
Week 1: Be Humble, never give up! God is teaching me to open up to comments from the journal. To work harder. In a way God used the horoscope to move an unmovable boulder like me. I cannot learn a new lesson, take a new responsibility until I learn. Why am I like this? God save me.
Week 2: 6 steps when in Crisis Following Daniel as a Model in Daniel 9
Step 1: Listen to God first through the scriptures (God initiates)
Step 2: Focus and Seek God
I asked God what he wants me to know and he played this through K-Love radio: Waymaker by Michael W. Smith. Basically he is saying even if I don’t feel he’s working, he does. God has a purpose for a lag in my life. God never leaves me alone!
Week 3: Be consistent
Week 4: The best way to end and start the day is prayer and bible! We just got to
Week 5: Show love! Give proofs of love.
JULY – A Twitter Month
I was really active on my fan account starting July, organizing events and editing the posters for the events. I was much more connected than ever. I also picked up on my Python tutorial again, and French. I decided to focus on French next especially because I was more confident in it while memorizing and learning structures in Korean. I mustn’t leave Korean behind to keep it fresh in my mind. But definitely I started focusing on French and Python. I also realized adding products for August are much easier to track than skills. For example, I included one simple python linguistics program and French diary as products.
I learned a lot this month: from Python, MIT Inventor, Machine Learning, French, Korean vocabulary to preparing animated posters and gifs. Hahahaha! I feel productive the most in July. I started to get back on my teaching too. Everything stats to get hopeful. Also, I finished two books this month, Two Can’t Keep A Secret, One of Us is Lying. Thanks to no internet for a week. I kept putting this off. Finally swept it!
One thing I need to improve on is limiting my twitter activity and wasting too much time on social media and spotify streaming. Another is my teaching online.
Reviewing my months through my Notion was more painful that I thought, I had to read through my insights and learning and relive the memories again. But I am glad I did, I felt free and alive. Never give up. If I don’t give up, someday I get what I deserve too. For the next months, I would focus on my language learning (French and Korean) and also my Python and R. I have to ensure I speak and write and create programs. Most of all, I must also focus on my journal and my REAP.
The must-dos in my list I keep putting off since January based on the review are:
2) Limiting my rice intake
3) Finishing my REAP
4) Writing up my Journal article
Will do better for the next five months!!!
With God, I can!